FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
It’s no secret that in my youth I’ve made some questionable choices when it comes time for dinner. It takes a strong stomach to bring you the hard, cold facts regarding porkneck soup, sizzling pork bellies, steaming oki-dogs, philly cheesesteak shacks, all-pudding diets and armenian-salvadorian booze binges. As much as it pains me to say it, I’ve got to look in the mirror and recognize that I’m a man getting on in years. Recently the doctor advised me to watch the diet. Since that day I’ve been watching it well, but not changing a thing about it. Today, I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to make a change. Make no bones about it: my days are numbered in the chilicheese circuit.
That’s where you come in.
Losanjealous is in need of a new food reviewer / gurgitator with an unusually large appetite. Ideal candidate will have strong stomach lining and should be able to eat all manner of food as the need arises. Must have own transportation. Must be willing to submit self to all manner of food-related demands. Previous experience writing about food online preferred but not mandatory. At a minimum you must be able to verbally describe, in detail for transcription, all meals eaten and all aftereffects resulting directly from said meals.
Candidate should be a self-starter and highly motivated. This position has ample opportunity for personal growth and advancement both in physical stomach girth as well as within the losanjealous family. Candidate will ideally be up to speed with all current events of the International Federation of Competetive Eating.
Sample first week’s itinerary follows.
- Monday: Lunch: Carney’s, Sunset Strip. Dinner: Carney’s, Ventura blvd. You will be comparing chilidogs, chilicheeseburgers and chilicheese fries at both locations, ultimately declaring a victor for each category.
- Tuesday: Oki-dog Fairfax vs Oki-dog Pico. Agenda similar to Monday. You will be comparing five menu items per location.
- Wednesday: Original Tommy’s Beverly vs Tommy’s Santa Monica vs Tommy’s Hollywood vs Tommy’s Van Nuys. Inquire for details.
- Thursday: Today is a day of rest and reflection. Get some rest; you are going to need it.
- Friday: Today you will be competing in the 3-lb headcheese challenge at the Red Lion Tavern on Rowena. Dill pickles allowed.
- Saturday: You will begin the day eating two burritos with coffee at Burrito King on Echo Park Blvd. From there you will journey around the corner to Burrito King, Sunset Blvd, where you will consume a third burrito. Following Burrito King Sunset, you will proceed directly to Burrito King Hyperion for your fourth, fifth and, if you can, sixth burritos. Immediately following your final burrito you will make your way behind the establishment to the Burrito King corporate offices where you will report your findings to Losanjealous and the chain owners.
- Sunday: Sausage Sunday. Inquire for details
If the work described above sounds appealing and exciting to you, apply today. Serious applications only. Compensation negotiable. This position reports to Koreatown Editor. NO RELOCATION ALLOCATION. Losanjealous is an equal-opportunity employer. Please submit eating resumes and additional applicable eating experiences to firstname.lastname@example.org. Losanjealous cannot be held responsible for any long-term health problems arising from voluntary employment.