DF <3's V.D. & Previews LADD Bout (Sirens v Swarm, 2/12/2011)

In these cynical times, it has become a dismal commonplace to derogate Valentine’s Day as a Hallmark-created holiday in which folks are forced to display artificial affection to no-longer-loved ones. Well, DF for one, LOVES V.D., and has always celebrated it with near-frenetic fervor. Witnesseth:

DF’s earliest relevant memory was a compulsory grade-school v-day card exchange. Oh, it was exciting! So much so that I lost all bladder control, wetting myself copiously and getting sent home from school. My grammar-school chums still call me “Cap’n Pee.” Actually, so do my parents.

A decade or so on, teenaged DF used Val Day as an occasion to reveal his amorousness to a secret high-school crush, and went for the gusto, showing up at the lucky lady’s door dressed in a sexy leather codpiece, with a dozen spiny roses ‘twixt my teeth, and slathered in oodles of body chocolate. As it happens, I did not win the fair maiden’s heart, but on the plus side, her football-coach father hugged my neck with his big strong hands for almost a half-hour!

A few years later, DF won 2d prize (and $10!) in a Valentine’s Day poetry contest with the immortal quatrain, “Roses are red/And boy are they thorny,/Please be my V-Day date,/’Cause man, am I … hopelessly enamored of your wit and charm!”

More recently, DF hit the singles scene, and strutted on over to the sexiest party in town—the Valentine’s Day Lonelyhearts Extravaganza Deluxe at the El Monte CourtYard Marriott (cost of admission a mere $45, including a free champagne toast!). Admittedly, the male/female ratio was undefined (because you can’t divide by zero), but toward the end of the evening a really hot game of strip Dungeons-and-Dragons broke out, and DF totally got to roll his twenty-sided die (if you know what I’m sayin’).

So, actually, in retrospect it looks like St. Val’s hasn’t exactly been a lovin’ bonanza for DF. But this year I’ve found a can’t-miss option for a V-day good time: hot, full-contact, all-girl roller derby action with the LA Derby Dolls! ‘Cause whether you’re single and lonely, or attached and bored out of your skull, all right-minded people share one love–the love of roller derby. So get fool asses down to the Doll Factory this weekend to see the LADD regular season kick off as the discipline-lovin’ policeladies of the Sirens seek to lay down the law on the two-time Champs runners-up out of San Diego, the Swarm. Oh it’s gonna be good, as this romantic bout preview amply illustrates. So get yer tix ASAP, and come out for V.D. at the DF (Doll Factory) with LADD and DF (the derby writer, that is, not the Doll Factory). All right, that was confusing. Just come to the damn bout because it will be awesome. That is all.

Photo/credit: Art by Fifi Nomenon, based on photo by Charlie Chu. (C) 2011 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved. Please send comments/corrections/invective to DF at DF at losanjealous dot com. & follow @theDF on Twitter if you are interested in learning more about his gastrointestinal tribulations and scary conspiracy theories.