Sometimes T has a lesson to teach you fools! Holidays are times for burying the hatchet. Now before you fools go gettin’ ideas about burying a hatchet in someone’s head, quit yo jibba jabba and listen up. Back in the day, T was starring in his own television show and asked his spookiest friend to be a guest star. She responded by callin’ T’s agent on her car phone and tellin’ him she was booked for Halloween on another show… a show with 2 fools ridin’ around on motorbikes arrestin’ people in tight pants on the freeways of California. Now T don’t know what to do. He’s mad as hell, but never hits a woman. So when Daniel Franzese invites him to his Hollyween art opening many years later, T decides to do the right thing and bury the hatchet with his old friend.

“ELVIRA! I aint one to call nobody a fool, but you chose Ponch over Mr. T!”

“Ohhhhhh……. Mr. T… fancy meeting you here, my muscular little pal.”

“ELVIRA, It’s time to pay the piper. Mr. T demands an apology!”

“Ohhhhhhh……Mr. T, you still look just as BOOtiful as…”
»continue reading Mr. T Visitor Guide: Elvira Incident, Hollywood

The setup: I PITY THE FOOL that schedules the All Smiles show at 1:30. Mr. T was on another recon mission in Austin for this SXSW thing. Everybody knows that parking’s scarce for a tactical command unit and that fool Murdock was outta the van before you can say “The Office of the Governor has a zero tolerance policy for nonsense on 6th street, FOOL!”

The rationale: Face wasn’t pickin’ up his cell phone and some fool was blocking the street interviewin’ fools for the Tonight Show. How’s a T supposed to parallel park with a giant string section standin’ in my A-Team Van loading zone!

The altercation: “Hey FOOL! You might be a musical genius, but you aint no parkin’ genius! Get outta my loading zone before I comb your hair, suckah!”

Mr. T: Hey Fools! Don’t you suckas know what LOADING ZONE MEANS?
»continue reading Mr. T Visitor Guide: Wayne Coyne Incident, SXSW

The setup: Mr. T was late to the Tony Bennet show at the Kodak Theatre. Parking’s scarce for a tactical command unit and that fool Murdock gave me bunk directions. Luckily I ran into a midget in an alley.

The rationale: Face wasn’t pickin’ up his cell phone and any fool can give me better directions than Murdock.

The altercation: The midget didn’t know where the Kodak Theatre was. She started actin’ the fool, sayin’ she wasn’t from here and if I didn’t like it, try and deport her. Mr. T don’t take no backtalk. Then she gave T a bunk chiropractic adjustment. This ain’t over.
»continue reading Mr T. Visitor Guide: Why I Has A Beef Wif Lady Sovereign

The Basics: Some fool that’s crazier than Murdock high-tailed it to Bahrain and left all his animals behind. How you gonna feed your elephants, alligators and giraffes from Bahrain, fool? Mr. T jumped in the van and left the fools of Los Angeles unpitied and jibber-jabber unchallenged for the day as he initiated “Operation Neverland Ranch Intervention”.

Neighborhood: BFE

Address: 5225 Figueroa Mountain Rd , Los Olivos, CA 93441

Why You Should Visit: Mr. T can’t feed these animals every day. Spendin’ too much time in the van with Hannibal and Face makes a T mad! Take your own load of supplies to Neverland Ranch and throw ‘em over the fence!

Additional Notes: Giraffes eat acacia leaves, elephants eat bamboo, carrots and bananas and alligators eat meat so be careful, fool!

The Basics: Listen up, fool! If you go for a walk in the park in Beverly Hills stay out of the bathroom!

Neighborhood: Beverly Hills

Address: 9650 Sunset Blvd., Beverly Hills, CA / (310) 285-2536

Why You Should Visit: I’m tryin’ to warn you fools!!! … Go to the bathroom before you go for a walk in the Will Rogers Memorial Park. Mr. T just likes to stretch his legs after dinner and there are suckas in the bathroom tryin’ to watch people pee!

Additional Notes: Guys watchin Mr. T pee makes makes Mr. T VERY MAD….grrr.

The Basics: Did T open up a Meat Market without telling T about it? This is not my Meat Market and they are using my NAME.

Neighborhood: Inglewood

Address: 62nd and Western

Why You Should Visit: I told these fools to cease and desist! Mr. T doesn’t like pick-up bars! I busted up some shady goings-on in the back alley, and was about to knock these punks out using my name…told them not to give me no back talk! Then they hooked Mr. T up with some T-Bones! If you’re gonna buy a T-Bone, you might as well get it at Mr. T’s Meat Market. Just stay out of the alley, fools. This is no pick-up bar.

Additional Notes: Meat. It does a T good.

The Basics: Does T embroider? Does he knit with the yarn and the what-have-you’s? This is not my custom embroidering company and they are using my NAME.

Neighborhood: Thousand Oaks

Address: (? )

Why You Should Visit: There are worse places to be than Thousand Oaks when the embroidery mood strikes. You could be in Camarillo, sucka! Truth be told I never found these chumps….just their van. It AINT NO A-TEAM van! If you’re in Thousand Oaks and find these fools, let ‘em know: T would like a word.

Additional Notes: Embroidery. It’s cool.

The setup: I just got back from a recon mission in Texas, suckah!

The rationale: I went down to Austin to straighten out these fools at Mister Tee Golf making money off my name. How’s a T supposed to know all these punks would be in town for some thing called the South by Southwest. That ain’t T’s thing!

The altercation: After I swept the floor with those chumps at Mr. Tee’s golf, I heard about some band called The Brian Jonestown Massacre and this guy Anton who might be startin’ trouble and doin’ crazy things! Mr. T don’t want to see no massacre! Mr. T decided to show up and protect the people from this Anton!

Crazy? The craziest thing that fool did was to quit playing a song after 11 minutes! Right when Mr. T was getting in to it! That makes a T mad! Next thing you know I am all up on him like Rockem Sockem robots! I made him FINISH that song!

No more Texas for T. I whipped that city into shape! If you losanjealous readers want to see what I’m talkin’ about live and in person, you can see that Anton and The Brian Jonestown Massacre at the Little Radio Warehouse w/ Bright Channel on 4/21 and 4/22. There will be no massacre! T will protect you suckahs and make sure no songs end early! Cuz that makes me mad! Grrr…

The Basics: This is not my bowling alley and they’re using my NAME.

Neighborhood: Highland Park

Address: 5621 1/2 FIGUEROA

Why You Should Visit: You tell me, fool. Just look at all the old guys in there drinking. Make a T mad. I was told they have punk bands here but the only punks I see are the ones using T’s name on the marquis.

Additional Notes:I am getting so very very MAD right now grrr!!

The Basics: Every fool knows you need to ring in the New Year Chinese style with the self-proclaimed ‘Loudest Parade in LA!’

Neighborhood: Where you think, fool?

Address: NA sucka! If you can’t find it, you aint got no sense!

Why You Should Visit: If you don’t know, you missed it. Try again next year…the year of the PIG!

Additional Notes: Get there early for a good spot. Hop Woo does a T right!

The Basics: Listen up Fool! This is the Haunted House of Glenn Danzig!

Neighborhood: Los Feliz

Why You Should Visit: See it now before I tear it down with my bare hands. It’s an eyesore!

Additional Notes: This house just makes me mad. Messy houses always do. I like to mop up floors with this house. Gaudy houses make me mad, too. So take it from me: Mister T. If you’re a house, don’t be messy or gaudy. I’ll rough you up, house! GRRR

The Basics: Listen up Fool! This is the Fisher House from HBO’s Six Feet Under.

Neighborhood: West Adams

Address: 2302 W. 25th

Why You Should Visit: Because sucka… Claire needs some TOUGH LOVE.

Additional Notes: That gas guzzlin’ hearse makes me MAD….grrr.